As you must know if you read a newspaper or watch any TV, on New Year’s Day, along with ringing in a new calendar year, cable TV will ring in yet another crappy channel with more crappy, empty filler “programming.” It’s called OWN a/k/a the Oprah Winfrey Network. I call it, “Just Kill Me TV.” ‘Cuz, below, is the garbage that’s on this, um, “network.” Utter CUH-RAP. Fecal material to the max. Even the cooking show, ” Cristina’s Big Bowl of Love,” sounds like a new age show for gay poodles chanting at an ashram . . . or a sex therapy show set in a swimming pool. I wouldn’t want to eat anything cooked in it. Nope.
(Oprah artwork by Six Meat Buffet/Preston Taylor Holmes)
And the Oprah-niks know it’s crap. That’s why in her barrage of interviews for the last two weeks flacking this ADC–All Dung Channel–Oprah is trying to “manage expectations downward” about ratings and she and Lisa Erspamer, the network chief she hired, are saying they won’t look at ratings (riiiight). Only a moron would watch Dr. Phil re-runs, behind the scenes of the making of Oprah, and HAMAS-panderer Lisa Ling‘s documentary series against America. But, then, only morons watch Oprah and Dr. Phil in the first place. And you know that conventional wisdom about the birthrate of suckers–one a minute? That’s a very conservative estimate, or these idiots wouldn’t be big, wealthy stars to begin with.
Dude, how on earth can there be a “Best of” Dr. Phil? That’s like saying, “Best of Saudi Beheadings in Chop-Chop Square.” Or, “Best Noises Heard from Someone Having a Bowel Movement in an Airport Restroom.” There just is no “best” possible in this case. Sorry.
I mean, if you’re a woman (that’s the target audience, plus gay men who assume the position) who has nothing better to do than watch shows with has-beens like Rosie O’Donnell, the Judds, Tatum & Ryan O’Neal, and some desperate red-headed, plump, divorced princess who needs money ‘cuz the royals cut her off and she got caught on video soliciting bribes (Princess Sarah Ferguson if you don’t know), then you’re pathetic, baby. Ditto, if you need to watch a show about the redemption of female cons in Indiana prison. Or if you feel the compulsion to watch a reality show about one of the many morons who watch “Oprah” and are trying to host a show on this moronic new channel. Yeah, this is the high-quality stuff of Gitmo torture.
I’m gonna make a bold prediction: OWN will be a ratings failure. Oprah and her peeps (that’s “people,” to you and me and others who don’t live in a $120 million seaside California mansion and then pretend we’re soooo ghetto and “down with the struggle, girlfriend”) know this. That’s why, as I noted above, they’re warning everyone not to expect much.
And guess what? I never expect much when it comes to Oprah. I haven’t been disappointed yet . . . but only on that front. Every time she achieves a new low in her HOprahness, I always know the nadir can reach a further bottom.
You know why I own the website, OprahSucks.com. It’s an eternal truth. She always has, and she always will.
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