Accuweather.com is already sounding the alarm about next week's "Groundhog Day Storm" that could affect "more than 100 million people… from the Rockies to the Plains, South, Midwest and Northeast." Sounds scary! But not nearly as scary as their maps.
Accuweather must have hired a bunch of laid-off comic book artists to do their maps. They manage to make even boring cold fronts look like elemental battles between the forces of Dark and Light. Take a look at a few of from the past week.
Their map for next week's predicted storm is not actually too bad:
But here's a map about some thunderstorms forecasted for the Southeast:
Hey, southerners? You may be expecting thunderstorms: But actually you're going to be afflicted with a rash of Biblical proportions, then electrocuted to death while a razorblade slices the hell out of your smoldering corpse.
And here's how Accuwether tells you it's going to be cold:
Breaking: A Canadian wizard is about to cast a spell and hurl a volley of all-impaling ice missiles into our land! Hopefully NASA's L-Beam forcefield can deflect the assault. Also, there is an earthquake in Texas for some reason?
Here's another way Accuweather says it's going to be colder than usual:
An ice demon flew over the Northern Plains and threw up poison oil all over Minnesota!
These maps are very exciting. But it's hard to imagine how, with so much hyperbole thrown at normal storms, Accuweather is going to convey the seriousness of an actually catastrophic weather event, like a hurricane. Maybe they'll use a giant red skull ringed with fire, indicating the path of the hurricane with a speech bubble issuing from the skull's mouth: "ABANDON HOPE, ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE."
Send an email to Adrian Chen, the author of this post, at adrian@gawker.com.
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