Ladies, ladies: we have your health report card, and it's not good. According to this, you've been getting drunker, fatter, and sluttier. It's like every woman in America is a freshman in college again. What's your excuse?
Your grade, ladies: "Unsatisfactory." That's official. Over the past three years, more of you started binge drinking, fewer of you are getting regular Pap smears, more of you have chlamydia, more of you are obese, and you're eating fewer fruits and vegetables.
Why do you treat yourselves like this? Ladies?
On Long Island, they're going to ban teens from buying Red Bull. Is that how you want to be treated? Like children? The surgeon general says that just one—one!—single cigarette "causes immediate harm to the body...in ways that can lead to serious illness and death." Is that how you want to be treated? Like smokers? Ostracized more and more every year as the full depth of your depravity becomes clearer and clearer to the rest of the population?
Don't take it as a threat ladies. Take it as a chilling vision of your future, should you choose to continue down your current path, health-wise. Take it from men, who know: drunk and sedentary is no way to go through life. We can't offer you much in the way of assistance. We can give you no medical expertise, or emotional support, or innovative strategies. We can only give you this:
Send an email to Hamilton Nolan, the author of this post, at Hamilton@gawker.com.
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