Grandma Mary Apparition To Be Validated By Papacy
Dec. 3, 2010
Senior citizens around the globe are rejoicing over latest talks the Vatican will be unveiling a new religious icon just for them.
The Vatican announced in the Italian newspaper, La Republica, it would be only a matter of days before it officially validated the first and only “Grandma Mary” apparition in the history of recorded civilization.
It appears, according to the Italian press, Mother Mary’s mama feels a trifle bit slighted by her daughter’s worldly fame and fortune, wanting a piece of the ‘salvation action’ for herself.
La Republica reported “Grandma Mary” appeared last September 13, 2009, to three 90-year-old seniors while the trio was playing a game of Canasta in a New Jersey nursing home.
The miraculous event, say Papal officials, has been kept a virtual secret in fear seniors all around the globe might get overly excited and die from hyperventilation or sudden heart failure.
According to reports, “Grandma Mary” told the “New Jersey Three” that it “was about time I received some credit for the part I played because if it wasn’t for me that big shot daughter of mine, Mary, wouldn’t even be here.”
“It’s great to see that the man gods in the Vatican are finally thinking of the forgotten old people in the world,” said Leroy Brown, spokesman for the one of the largest senior centers located on the south side of Chicago.
“Since Vatican II, the focus has been on stepped-up religious rap and rock music for the kids and Mother Mary sitings for the poor and middle class working families. Now, finally, the Vatican has made-up something for us older folk.”
Brown’s comments were made in reference to recent stories circulating in Rome about the first “Grandma Mary” siting in the history of the Roman Catholic Church to be validated by Papal authorities.
“What makes this such an extraordinary event is that this is the first such “Grandma Mary” siting in the history of civilization,” said a Cardinal in Rome’s inner-sanctum, who wanted to remain anonymous until the Papacy officially recognizes the miraculous event.
“This is truly an historic occasion and all Christians should rejoice because word has it “Grandma Mary has actually come down to earth to represent the forgotten old people who are suffering tremendously from the loss of social security benefits, rampant foreclosures and a complete lack of respect by a younger generation, as well as by Henry Kissinger, who considers seniors to be nothing more then useless eaters.”
Grandma Mary’s sudden earthly appearance apparently even shook up Pope Ratzinger’s world since those close to him know he is very partial to younger girls and boys.
According to a Vatican Cardinal, Ratzinger was overheard saying:
“I told that old hag to stay up in heaven or purgatory or wherever she is. How can we expect to make someone that old and wrinkly look good on all the statutes and pictures we will have to create,distribute and of course pay for.”
Conceding the world-wide advertising campaign will cost the Vatican millions, Vatican officials are already actively consulting Hollywood for ideas on how to give “Grandma Mary” a quick face-lift before her pictures and statutes are released to the public.
“I think this is a great opportunity for the Vatican and Hollywood to again join forces and work together, using the wonderful imaginations of both organizations to create the perfect “Grandma Mary,” said a high level Jesuit who works in the Vatican’s film propaganda offices.
“However, let’s not forget before all the hype and glitter takes over and mesmerizes the public that “Grandma Mary” has come down to earth with a very important message for all of mankind.”
Vatican officials added that just like in Fatima, her message will be revealed when the Papacy deems it appropriate, giving Inquisition Officers enough time to do their necessary work on the “New Jersey Three.”
Reports suggest two of the three seniors, because of their advanced age, are already having a hard time even remembering the apparition took place, but the Vatican is sure some of their old torture techniques will jog their failing memories.
“I am sure just like the children at Fatima and Medjugorje, the seniors will eventually say what we want them to say,” said one of the Inquisition officers.
Apparently, before going public with “Grandma Mary’s” apparition, the Vatican has another big hurdle to cross since reports are that Mary herself refuses to be photographed with her Mother.
Mary, who has supposedly talked personally before with several Popes, including Pope Leo XIII in 1884, Pope Pius XII at various stages during his papacy and Pope John Paul II in 1981, while he recovered from an assassination attempt which occurred on May 13, the anniversary of the Fatima apparition.
Although reports remain unconfirmed, Mary has already met privately with the Pope.
“We must do something about my mother,” said Mary to Ratzinger, who is desperately trying to repair this mother-daughter rift so as not to upset his 1 billion followers who so much love the fanciful approach to Christianity as presented by the Papacy.
“I want you to know Grandma has no business coming down here taking away my limelight. You guys have been pretty good at keeping her out of the picture until now, but this is just too much even for me to take.
“We had our problems when I was growing up, but isn’t this just typical of a Jewish mother? It took her a long time to believe the virgin birth story in the first place, always accusing me of cheating on Joseph and now she wants to let bygones be bygones.
“Well, I am not going to stand for it and want you to do something about it. I wasn’t made patron saint of the United States for nothing, was I? And if you don’t do something I have the mind to just go to the Supreme Court!”
Details of “Grandma Mary’s” New Jersey apparition are soon to be released, according to Vatican officials. They added that a full-length Hollywood blockbuster is also in the works.
Further, young artists are being solicited and commissioned like in the Renaissance to present portraits and sculptures of “Grandma Mary” with the winners expected to be announced in the spring.
Editor’s Note: This story has been validated by my good friend, Slats Grobnik, who is spending the Christmas holidays worshiping it with some of his pagan-priest friends in Rome. He promises to bring the behind the scenes pagan-Christmas ceremonies directly to us from the catacombs of the Vatican, where on the agenda this year is some delightful holiday cheer, including brand new witchcraft techniques and how to utilize them in church service throughout the year.
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